August 5, 2012

The List: The Expendables 3 Casting

I was planning on having a Rocky review up but, while I still put that together, I decided to put together a list I have been contemplating for some time. And, since I want to start a semi-regular column called 'The List' anyway, this might be the perfect starting point.

Anyway, I loved The Expendables mainly because it brought back the glory days of 1980's ultra-violence and heroes and villains that wore nothin' grey, just pure black and white hats. Plus, at the end, they literally stormed a castle. LITERALLY. The inclusion of so many stars was not a gimmick, or, at least wasn't simply JUST an idea to get butts in seats as the whole crew, both good and bad, seemed to be having a blast and have a camaraderie.

The Expendables 2 is coming out soon, giving larger screen time to Ahnold and Willis and adding a few nuggets from the old days: Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme to be specific. And since the old crew is back as well, Statham, Stallone, Li, Crews, Couture, Rourke, and Lungdren (did I forget anyone), Expendables 2 should be frickin' amazing.

So, who the hell will be in Expendables 3? I have the list of folks I want, no, check that, I NEEEEEED to see in the second sequel:


Name: Carl Weathers
Badass Resume: Action Jackson, Predator, Rocky I-IV, The Shield
Why: The dude still looks like he can cut me down with guns, knives, or fists and, being a good actor (which some of The Expendable actors can't boast) with comedy experience he can actually deliver dialogue appropriately and provide comic relief.


Name: Cynthia Rothrock
Badass Resume: China O'Brien series, Martial Law series, Undefeatable, et al
Why: Little known fact: I lost my virginity one night, long ago, after watching Cynthia Rothrock in Lady Dragon 2. I don't think the movie had anything to do with events unfolding as they did though as Lady Dragon 2 is garbage (as was the night I lost my virginity. . .sorry girl who will remain nameless. I got better at it). Rothrock offers Expendables fans a female element: hot, knows actual kung fu (or something similar to it), and has fanboy action cred.


Name: Robin Shou
Badass Resume: Mortal Kombat, Death Race, D.O.A.
Why: Shou was the headliner of the surprise hit Mortal Kombat (and one of the only stars to reprise their role in the awful sequel) but, besides a large role in Beverly Hills Ninja, has mostly stayed on the outskirts of the mainstream. It's a shame because the man has immense combat skills and a decent, if not deep, range. He has some charm, at least. Some recent comedic, yet badass, roles in Death Race and D.O.A. has led me to believe he can pull off an Expendables bad guy or a vicious good guy.


Name: 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper
Badass Resume: They Live, Wrestlemania, Hell Comes to Frogtown
Why: This scene alone:


Name: Michael Biehn
Badass Resume: The Terminator, Aliens, The Abyss, Tombstone, The Rock
Why: Michael Biehn is the ultimate badass. . .it's just that most people have either forgotten or didn't really know it. Whether he is fighting Terminators, fighting Aliens, going crazy underwater, being a dick in the Old West, or starring in children's films, Biehn just has that intensity and awesomeness that should strike fear into any that oppose Stallone's men.


Name: Jesse Ventura
Badass Resume: Predator, The Running Man, Wrestlemania
Why: Because, he's THE BODY and a SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS! And with his new hippy hair cut and crazy conspiracy theories, nothing is more frightening then a buffed out psycho looking to speak his mind in your face.


Name: Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
Badass Resume: Everything He's Ever Been In except that tooth fairy thing. . .
Why: If there was anyone custom built to go up against The Expendables (because to be on the good guys team just wouldn't be fair to anybody) it is The Rock. His recently-delayed-GI-Joe-picture shows The Rock already giving his audition for Expendables 3. He probably comes with his own weapons.


Name: Vin Diesel
Badass Resume: The Chronicles of Riddick, Pitch Black, XXX
Why: What I consider to be the 'lost' action star of the 1980s (mainly because he didn't appear until the 1990s), Diesel's good guy image, likability, and one-liner potential makes him Expendables worthy.


Name: Lance Henriksen
Badass Resume: Terminator, Aliens, Pumpkinhead, Hard Target, Millennium
Why: He might be a little too old to be kickin' the tar out of multiple bad guys but nothing would be more frightening, to me, then a bad ass kingpin running the scene for the baddies. His gravely voice, intense demeanor, and bad ass-ness (a new word minted just for Lance) would make any Expendable think twice.


Name: Michael 'Fucking' Ironside
Badass Resume: Everything. . .Anything. . .but specifically Total Recall and Starship Troopers
Why: If you don't have a movie with Ironside in it, you don't really have a movie.


  1. Excellent list. I haven't seen The Expendables, but I can see these guys fitting in. Especially Ironside. I've always thought that name was cool. You don't fuck with Ironside.

  2. The saggy-faced Stallone takes this old-school smaction franchise to new depths of inanity!!


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